Originally appearing on the abc.com general board, these reviews were where I began. I came up with the idea when I thought of visiting the Hell's Kitchen message boards online. I think that when I thought of this, a memory of an angry personal trainer complaining about how Wii Fit was not going to help get you in shape flashed through my head. This made me think that there would probably be a very enthusiastic chef on the Hell's Kitchen board who did not support it. Then I suddenly realized how funny it would be to set up the same sort of situation for LOST, an angry physicist complaining about how unrealistic it is. Anyway, enjoy!

 P.S. "Roger Jackson" is my code name!

As a professional physicist and chemist, I think the Season 5 premiere episodes were OUTRAGES! It simply drove me kabonkers at how ridonkulous they were! I almost went and sat on the kitchen island to watch the show because of how outlandish it was!

As a professional professional, I find it hard to believe that a professional man such as Mr. Marvin Halliwickcandlechangman would wake up so late! He needs to get up early at about 6 to keep his Dharma Initiative in order! I am not at all impressed by his morning routineliness and think he might be trying to sabotage the Dharma Iniatiative!

This scene greatly jigsawed me. As a professional CD salesman, I have no idea what this strange music-playing device could be. I suspect that it is something from the future and that the Losties are not actually in the past but in the future! The shock of season 6. You heard it here first, folks.

 I was surprised to see Charlie back with his signature hood on, but I don't understand what he was writing on the chalkboard. Maybe he made up a new language during his free time between seasons 3 and 5. 

I was very surprised to see that Desmond had chosen to return to the island but understand even less why he was wearing a raincoat. It was completely dry outside! Maybe the Hatch flooded. I expect this will be a major question to be answered in Season 6!

 It was very thoughtful of Hurley to put sunglasses over Sayid's eyes to protect them from the sun during his nap. Hurley's such a nice guy!

 I have thought long and hard about this one. First, why would it be called Rainbow drive-in? Then I noticed it was raining. Rain causes rainbows so maybe it's always raining there??? That would mean it has something to do with the island because all weird things happen because of the island. So they're actually on the island right now!!! As a professional thinker, I think I'm right.

Overall and very conclusivitory, these two episodes were just plain absturdastic! They drove me off the wall and made me bounce at funny angles. So, without regard to plaguerism, and other non-professional practicies such as it and so and writering without onionated opinions or options without so much but is already found and known to be an outrage!

Sincerelely,

Roger Jackson

Professional Physicist, Thinker, Englishist, CD Salesman, Ethanist, Riddler, Mattress-Tester, Cow Taker, Pyromaniac, Chemisist Professionally.

As a professional physicist and chemist, I think The Incident was an OUTRAGE!!! I am severiously disappointed in the writers and the actors who played and writed the season finale with the said title and am depressed that it was not nearly as good as I had hoped for! It was also very confusing.



As a professional firefighter, I find it extremely unnerving that neither Ben nor Locke knew what to do when they were confronted by a humongnormous pit of rolling fire. Instead of running to the nearest fire extinguisher, they looked around aimlessly at the ceiling. I am disappointed!

As a professional neckiatrist, I took note of the fact that Ben kept looking at the ceiling this episode. That must have either been because he didn't want to look at the camera or he hurt his neck. Ben needs help!!!



As a professional sociologist, it shocked me when Locke and Ben stood by as grown up Aaron burnt to a crisp in the fire! It made no sense that Locke and Ben could be so cruel. I think this was a writorial mistake that was made and needs to be fixated!



As a professional nuclear explosionist, I find it strange that Jack would throw a bomb into a hole; it might esplode! We wouldn't want that happening to this blunderful island that we have all come to know and hate with a passion. Juliet needs to tackle him; I think I'm the only Lost viewer that knows Juliet was once a professional wrestle. Her wrestler name was "Fertility Freak". It's also her screen name on AIM.



So much was going on in this scene! Juliet almost fell into the hole of doom and Kate ripped the leg of her pants! Wardrobe malfunctions should not be acceptable! Instead of worrying about her pants, Kate should go help Juliet before she falls into the pit! I am petrified by the lack of care these people have for each other!



As a professional gymnast, I really did not find this an appropriate time for Juliet to attempt a backflip. The writers should certainly rethink this scene.

IT'S TIME FOR THE QUOTE OF THE WEEK!



SAYID: How many fingers am I holding up?



It was great to see Mr. Black Smoke Monster Thing that Eats People come to the rescue in this scene and eliminate the pesky Dharma people. I don't remember Mr. Black Smoke being made of rocks last time, but oh well. The continuity on this show has always been horrible.



As a professional Lord of the Rings, I know for sure that this is the one ring. Sun is actually Gollum. You heard it here first, folks!



I once again must complain about the eating skills of the Lost characters; Locke got ketchup all over his face again! He really needs to work on his table manners. No wonder he got thrown out of a window.



That's right, Richard. When worst comes to worst, always take the Scooby Doo approach; look for secret passageways! First, check behind bookcases. Then, go for the walls. If any pictures' eyes move, you know the bad guy is hiding behind them!



Wow, Bernard sure aged! Awful continuity people strike again!



It's nice to see that Rose and Bernard have turned Jacob's old cabin into a hotel. I'm not sure how much business they'll get other than Kate, Juliet, and Sawyer, though. Maybe a grocery store would be a better investment.

 I think the writers must have been very confused when making this scene; the colors are all messed up!

All in all, this episode was simply absturd and ridonkulous for me but not only oneself. For others as well it was not what was expected or should be expected expectingly for such an expectagious show such as the one in question questionably and with not so much of a without left with oneself, and looking where there is no light to see what you have found... just like in this show, this ridonkulous, absturd and forevermore even such as a crazy mistakenly not so who how what when where why. Outrage!

Sincerelely,
Roger Jackson
Professional Physicist, Doctor, Bowler, Juggler, Pyromaniac, Sushi Chef, Eater, Englishist, Grammaticalist, Ethanist, Bus Stealer, Cow Taker, Chemisist Professionally.

 As a professional physicist and chemist, I think “Dead is Dead” was an OUTRAGE! First of all, I need to bash and thrash them continuity folks; the character known as Charles Widmore appeared 3 different times and looked completely different every time! The only two solutions to this enigmatic mystery is that he either ages very quickly or they kept having to get new actors. So this is what you get for your errors in continucontinuity this episode. THRASH!

Next, I would like to thrash the person in charge of keeping Ethan in line because I am, of course, a professional Ethanist. They made him go from Dharma to Other without any explication? I want to get a really good explication, other than the fact that there is no explanation, as to why a non-other could become an Other without an Other hint or an Other clue as to who the Others even are to each Other??? These other Others are definitely not the other Dharma members so I need an Other explication another time! Other than that, good job.

On an Other note, I am shocked that Benjamin the heartless had the heartfelt emotional abilities to feel the heartful need to protect said childish young girl with a boy’s name also known as Alexis. I am just as gabberflasted that Benjamin the heartless shot Caesar Salad but did not kill Danielle Rousueioueiaou! I think them writers need to work more on characters doing things they’re likely to do.

Obviously, I am a professional Englishist and Grammarist. Most grammatically, this episode was awfrendous! I dug deep into my bone marrow and picked the perfect pick to bone this week with the writorial squadron: avoid repetition! I cannot believe that you would name the title of an episode “Dead is Dead”. Why use the same word twice in a three word title? It’s just repetitive. You had better never never do that again. Again.

Now to dress a very important development that developed this episode: a new group of characters! When the pilot returned to the smaller island, we found out something very important about Ilana. I never would have guessed that she was related to the Riddler! Using my amazing professional mind, I have determined professionally that Richard Alpert is also into riddles because his initials, R.A., obviously stand for “Riddlers Anonymous”. I am also positively sure that both Ilana and Richard are members of the IRA, the Island Riddlers’ Association. Frank Pilitus, obviously, is not a member of the IRA and does not know what lies in the shadow of the statue. Most obviously, and as a professional riddle-cracker, I know that the answer is air but Frank is not a true professional in any professionalistic way, shape, or formatical formation.

As a professional temple-builder, I know that it is impossible to install a black smoke judge security system into a building of that size; black smoke security systems charge 1000 dollars per square foot! I highly doubt that anyone could afford that. In conclusion, I have come to the concluding conclusion that whoever built said humongnourmous temple must have stolen money from someone else. I don’t think Jacob would appreciate that!

As a professional cremator, I know for a factoid that dead people are dead! And so I am outrageously upset that such professional writers that we have come to know and hate with a passion could have mistakenly messed up by showing Alexis alive again! I simply cannot belive it! Dead people are dead!!! As a professional lenscrafter, I also know for a factoid that John Locke is alive! He’s up and walking around so that means he’s alive and so dead people are not dead so the title of this episode is inaccurate! Quit contradicting yourselves, writers!

And so most finally yet not definitively infinitely finished, I would simply love to pour some ranch dressing on this review to make it go over well in the Hidden Valley that I have been seeking since I began this review; the one in which the shadow of the statue doth lieth. And soeth, with mucheth reluctanth, I must depart now. Yet look to the future with hope and brilliance for the outrageous to come for I am sure that Some Like it Hoth will bring joy to our hearts and Yoda’s not only alone. So it is now that we must break our vows and leave our separate weights on the scale that Anubis weighs all of our hearts on and as our hearts shall certainly break at this dearest parting and get all over Anubis’s jackal-nose, we know for a factoid that we shall see each other where the shadow of once again said statue will lie so not just as we know it but also that the fullest potential of our knowledgable to unknown forgotten smoke monster outrages!

Most Sincerelely,

Roger Jackson

Professional Physicist, Writer, Pyromaniac, Juggler, Car Dealer, Englishist, Mattress Tester, Riddler, Lenscrafter, Egyptian, and master of many Other professions, Chemisist Professionally.

 As a professional physicist and chemist, I think “Whatever Happened, Happened” was an OUTRAGE! First off, I’d like to address the problems presented by the introduction of this new “Cassidy” character. Besides the fact that she is Jacob, how can her daughter possibly be Sawyer’s daughter when Sawyer’s been on an island for the past 3 years!? And several times this episode, we saw Kate suddenly disappear from the island and end up back on the mainland; how did that happen!? I cannot believe that the professional producers we all have come to know and hate could have made such a gigantiseismic mistake! It’s just absturd!

In another scene like that one, Kate lost little baby Eric because she needed to answer her phone! I couldn’t believe that the producers would make the mistake of thinking that a mother would prefer her cell phone to her own son! And what was Claire doing grocery shopping with a boy who looked exactly like Eric? I really don’t get it. Then later on, Kate found Eric in a bed in a hotel room? And she gave him to Claire’s mother after lying to her by saying Claire was on an island??? Kate was in the same grocery store as Claire just a short time before that! This is ridonkulous!

As a professional gun wound surgeon, I know for a factoid that Benjamin Linus cannot survive!!! And yet that contradicts the timed traveling theory so called that is WHH, “Wacky Hippy Hats”. I always also believe this to not only be true but be the key to the lock that is said television show. On that said thought of train, what is the master key? Could it possibly be eyeliner man? We will see…

As a professional make up artist, I know for another factoid that the actor who plays the mysterious character known as Ricardo Alpert is definately wearing said eyeliner mascara make up. And so his official name is now Mascara Man.

Time for a speel chek. My grammar related pick to bone this week with the writers of grammar and picks to bone is as follows next forthcomingly: subject verb agreement! I mean, cereally. As professional writers, I expects you to has better subject verb agreement! You really needs to work on that!

As a professional Dharma janitor, I know for a fact that it would take more than 3 janitors to keep that junk pile clean! And yet Horace claims that there are only three janitors. I find this very impossibilistic and verging on the point of abstursion. Professionally, the writers need to express more professional professionalicalities. In all cerealness, these writers and transcriptioners do not realize and/or understand the understandable sections of said understanding of the understandable. As a professional professional, I accept more from the writers of show this.

Most finally yet not least definitely not surely, the final scene yet not least definitely of the episode showed Mr. Johnus Lockus alive when he cannot be because Benjamin aged super quickly and choked him! I cannot believe the continucontinucontinuity errors seen in this episode!!! Obviouslly and surely most moldy of all, whatever happened CANNOT have happened!!! So, at long last with great redundance and reluctancy, I depart from this cell jail that I have forged myself from the bars of unbreakable bonds formed from the bonding of our friendships to leave both myself and you, the faithful readers who read faithfully, and go out into the yonderous blue to experience what is experiencable only with great experience already of it itself and not any other yet always expectancying the unexpectable paradoxes of said oxymoronic outrages!

Most Sincerelely,

Roger Jackson

Professional Physicist, Gun Wound Surgeon, Make Up Artist, Dharma Janitor, Baby Namer, Cloner, Juggler, Bus Stealer, Fertility Doctor, Mattress Tester, Pyromaniac, Chemisist Professionally.

My first episode review and my second review overall. It's also double-spaced. Here it is!

As a professional physicist and chemist, I think “He’s Our You” was an OUTRAGE! I mean, time travel!? So this “Sayid” character flew to the island on a plane and then traveled through time and went back to the 70’s? There’s no such thing as time travel as every chemist/physicist/mathematician/pyromaniac would know. I can’t believe that such professional writers for said television drama show television would have made such a hunormous mistake.

And are we really supposed to believe that this sketchy “Sayid” character who is supposedly a professional torturer and killer just happens to be captured and interrogated by another torturer? That is far too coincidental. I can’t believe that the writers and transcriptioners could have made such a ginormous mistake like the likes of said outrage!

Everyone knows that no rant is complete without a paragraph about grammaticalness. A good thing it is that a professional grammarist I am. My pick to bone this week with the writers is as follows next. NEVER USE INCOMPLETE SENTENCES! Such professionals as yourselves should be professional enough as to always use complete. And those prepositions…what on earth were you thinking about??? In all professionallness, you’ve got to notch it up a step. I mean, cereally.

Did I mention that I’m a professional bus driver? I know for a fact that a bus can’t move without anyone driving it! Professionally, my honest professional opinion is that showing the fiery bus raging across Dharmaville was an idiotic, gigantnormous mistake that cannot be exqueezed! What an outrage!

By the way, I’m also a professional heart surgeon and know that, as a strict professional, that little kid who got shot by that sketchy Sayid character is dead! But, according to the show and its unprofessional writers, that would be contradictory to the nerdy scientist’s (not to be confused with the awesome Chemisist) theory. But then again, time travel’s not real anyway so none of this should be happening at all. I hate this show!

I believe I’ve gotten enough of my anger out for this week. I don’t know why, as a professional professional, I even continue to watch said outrageous show because of its ridonkulosity and impossibilisticness but I watch it anyway for unknown reasons that I certainly yet not at all definitely do not comprehend accordingly as a professional. So, assuming that that yet not doesn’t mean what it doesn’t look like, the outrage is but only and yet not least at all, would know that it is not really full and absturd completely already before and professionally failures under said prosperous professional mind-readers but only outrage.

Most Sincerelely,

Roger Jackson

Professional Physicist, Doctor, Englishist, Pyromaniac, Workman, Bus Driver, Bus Stealer, Juggler, Reviewerer, Chemisist Professionally.

Here is my first ever review! Well, technically, it's my second review; the first version of this was quickly taken down from the abc.com boards because I sounded too serious like I actually did think the show was horrible. Anyway, enjoy!

As a professional physicist and chemist, I think that the television show titled "Lost" is ridiculous! I, being a great professional, started watching the show this season (I think it's season 5) and have watched every single episode up until this very point.I thought it would be a very good show because everyone says it is. Professionally, I thought this show was a waste of space and wanted to say "Here's a shovel- now go bury yourself!" I mean, time travel!? Everyone knows that's impossible. It has been professionally proven that time travel cannot happen! I don't understand why professional producers would abandon their professional manners and disrupt and disturb the common truth that we all know is true to tell us that we can time travel! That's absturd!

By the way, I am also a professional historian and know much about history. And I know for a fact that Egyptians and hydrogen bombs did not exist at the same time. Both of the beforementioned things have been seen on the show and since time travel is not real there is no excuse for this harmful mistake! I cannot believe that such professional writers couldhave made such a humongous mistake.

Then comes the smoke that showed up in that one episode with the weird French lady. Everyone knows that smoke is not a solid object and therefore cannot grab anyone and take them down into a bottomless pit of doom as seen on the show. This phenomenon is also unrealistic and obviously cannot be truly true so why is there it?

Did I meantion that I'm a professional grammatically speeling champeyun? And I have a pick to bone with the writers of this outrage: never use a preposition at the end of a sentence! What on earth were you thinking about!? It is disappointing that such professionals that make lots of rich moneys and become fluent and buy big houses with swimming poles can get away with such horrible grammatically errors! Again, what were you thinking about!?

I'm also a professional fertility doctor and know that baby's don't randomly die and kill their mothers like they do on this outrage! I think this is some sort of plot to cover up a mistake by the transcriptioners of this outrage. Maybbe they want to kill off a character and can't think of any other good way to do it professioally. Professionally, I professionally have to say that as a professional fertility doctor, I am right.

Believe it or not, I'm also a professional car mechanic and I know that fertility doctors don't make good car mechanics, Juliet! I don't know how the said trascriptioning producer men could have made such a humongnormous mistake such as the like of said outrage. This outrages me more than when I stub my toe on the bowling ball in my bed.

Finally and yet not least definitely, the show focuses way too much on the impossibilistic non important parts of said outrageous show professionally. I mean, who cares that John Locke is alive? It's impossible! So really, spend more time focusing on the real important things like the fact that we've never seen any bathrooms in Dharmaville. I don't think they go in the smoke-infested woods. So overall and foremost yet most beginningly, this show is a depression to not only the watchers and viewers and scientistical personel but also the physisitcs and writers and doctors and plumbers who don't agree with the transcriptionerriors and writers mistakes of such tremendous portions. This show is desperately misproportional when it comes to possibility and sense and deserves to be taken off the air. This show is truly professionally, in my own professional opinion, a professional mistake that makes no sense and yet fully does not do what we viewers have come to suspect and know for as a fact that yet still not delicious because fully supporting kung fu movie outrages!

Most Sincerelely,
Roger Jackson
Professional Physisist, Grammaticalist, Speelist, Typist, Historian, Doctor, Mechanic, Chemisist Professionally.