Welcome to News! Here, read my exclusive interviews with fictional characters and find out what they have to say about the show!

Note: All News stories are fictional and shouldn't really qualify as News. The opinions presented in this page are not that of the character but that of my own view of them. Because they aren't real.

WARNING: This post includes extreme sarcasm. If you are allergic to sarcasm, you may want to avoid this post. Or most of this site for that matter.

Well, I had a dream last night that told me how Lost works. And it's so logical it's just ridiculously obvious. So anyway, away we go...

Jack, son of Christian, half-brother of Claire, son of Margo, love interest of Juliet/Kate is half robot half alien who came to this planet in order to obtain a key to a door that's located on Mars. The door, not the key. However, he found out that this key was hidden away on the island. So, he flew to the island in an attempt to find the key to take back to Mars and use it to unlock the key to the legendary Golden Treasure of Gold. Now, Kate is only quarter robot, she is three quarters human, and she was on the plane accidentally but this is where Locke comes in. Well, when we look at it first from the bigger picture, we see just what how much Sawyer truly did contribute to the time traveling bunnies who were planning, all along, to take over the island from Ben. So the key is hidden where only Hurley actually knows because the numbers a code to not only the key but also the bar code on a box of cereal I found in my pantry last week when I was experimenting with rotting food and how it tasted with different ketchup brands but not only such as that this was wholly the fault of one character such as said personality of ability equal to that of whoever is not just what skills they contribute but also that of ridonkulous OUTRAGES! Oh, and Locke has to get to Mars in time to lock the door. Get it, LOCKE and LOCK??? It all makes sense now...

Once again, I traveled to the island in my handy-dandy hot air balloon, but this time I found a surprise guest- a zombie! Zoinks!

COW: Who you?

Zombie: I'm Henry Gale, of course. Here's my I.D. ...wait, where'd it go?

COW: I could explain that but it would involve many twists and turns.

Henry Gale: Anyway, I just landed here in my hot air balloon.

COW: (He doesn't know he's a zombie) Er, yes, I'm sure.

Henry Gale: I'm LOST (tm) can you help me out here?

COW: I believe you are on an island. A very magical island that does mysterious things.

Henry Gale: Pssh, yeah right.

COW: That's what I said before I found out that my website had suddenly begun to attract large mobs of readers.

Henry Gale: In your dreams!

COW: Anyway, Mr. Z- er, Gale.

Henry Gale: It's "Gale" not "Zergale".

COW: Of course. What do you think we'll find out in season 6?

Henry Gale: Season 6? Of what?

COW: The show.

Henry Gale: What show?

COW: This show.

Henry Gale: *looks around at the island landscape* "Gilligan's Island?"

COW: No, LOST.

Henry Gale: Yes, I am lost.

COW: No, that's what the show is.

Henry Gale: The show is lost?

COW: Yes, the show is LOST.

Henry Gale: Well, so am I.

COW: No, you're lost. The show's LOST.

Henry Gale: Maybe we'll run into each other since we're both lost.

COW: I give up.

Henry Gale: I wonder where my I.D. went. You haven't happened to see anyone impersonating me have you?

COW: Of course not.

Henry Gale: That sounded sarcastic.

COW: No, I'm never sarcastic.

Henry Gale: You can never tell with text!

COW: What do you mean text?

Henry Gale: ...I give up too.

COW: Good, now let's finish this. You, sir, are ridonkulous. Good day!

 After discovering that Jacob had invited media crews to the island for an exclusive interview, I hopped on my hot air balloon (with a frowny face on top) and flew over there as quickly as possible. I managed to catch Jacob and question him just before he retreated back inside his large foot. That sounds weird.

 COW: Hello, Mystery Man.

Jacob: I take it you're here because of the ship.

COW: Er, no, I'm here to interview you. How does it feel to be one of the most mysterious characters on LOST?

Jacob: You'll have to ask them when they get here.

COW: No not them, you!

Anti-Jacob: Do you have any idea how badly I want to kill you?

COW: WHoooooAAH that was creepy! Where'd you come from?

 Anti-Jacob: Mind if I join you?

COW: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do!

Jacob: Want some fish?

COW: ...Sure!

Anti-Jacob: Thank you. I just ate.

COW: I'm such an outsider here.

Jacob: You are wrong.

Anti-Jacob: Am I? They come. They fight. They destroy. They corrupt. It always ends the same.

COW: Oh, no. Not this again.

Jacob: Yes.

COW: ...I thought you were supposed to say things with deep meaning.

Anti-Jacob: One of these days, sooner or later... I'm going to find a loophole, my friend.

Jacob: Well, when you do, I'll be right here.

COW: Take him down, Jacob. Body slam! FALCON PUNCH!!!

Jacob: Be good, Katie.

COW: Erm, I'm not Katie. I'm afraid this is the end of our interview.

Jacob: It only ends once. Anything that happens before that is just progress.

COW: Pssh, I doubt I'd call this progress.

Jacob: I'm sorry, I think I'm lost. Are you from Los Angeles?

COW: You, sir, are ridonkulous. Good day!

Knowing that Rose and Bernard would certainly have an interesting opinion and probably would agree to actually answer some questions for a change, I again traveled to the island to question them.

COW: So, Rose and Bernard, let's get right down to it. What will happen in season 6?

Rose: I don't know, just leave us out of it.

Bernard: Come stay at the Mystery Island Resort and Spa, only $15 a night!

COW: Ooh, so you started a resort?

Rose: Yep, you're our second guest!

COW: Who was the first guest?

Bernard: It's weird, he never told us his name.

COW: Anyway, will either of you die this season?

Rose: If I do, will you take care of Vincent, Bernard?

Bernard: I sure will.

COW: Is there anything you can tell me about the last season??? I want to know!

Rose: Vincent doesn't die.

COW: I ALREADY KNEW THAT!

Smokie: ch-ch-ch-ch...ccccchhhhhhhhhh. HWOOOO!!! HWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Bernard: Oh, checking out already Mr. Weird Black Smoke?

COW: That's your first guest!?

Rose: He complained about the room service. He said Vincent slobbered all over his steak.

Vincent: *comes running out of house*

COW: So, Mr. Vincent, what's going to happen in the season 6 premiere?

Vincent: Bark!

COW: Really, I had no idea "Bark" was going to happen!

Rose: Honey, he's telling you to look at the bark on that tree over there.

COW: *looks at tree* What's the squiggly line mean?

Bernard: It means there will be lots of twists.

Rose: And turns.

COW: ...And perhaps even a few twisted turns?

Bernard: Of course!

COW: Fine. Alright, Vincent, what's the series finale going to be like?

Vincent: Bow-WOW!

COW: YES I FINALLY GOT SOMEONE TO TELL ME SOMETHING!!!

Rose: He wasn't talking to you, he was trying to tell me he's hungry.

COW: By the way, I'm not staying in your resort. I'm gonna hop back on my hot air balloon and float off this island.

Bernard: We'll give you a free back rub. Vincent's the best masseur on the entire island!

COW: You, sir, are ridonkulous! Good day! 

As your friendly neighborhood chemisist, I recently flew to the island in a hot air balloon (figuring it was much safer than a plane) and after getting caught in a tree and fighting off a polar bear, we managed to find Ben Linus and squeeze this juicy interview out of him.

COW: So, Bug-Eye, I mean, Ben,what is like to be the leader of the Others?

Ben: Psshhh well it's gotta be like the worst job ever. No pay, way too much work, and you have to purge the island of pesky scientists every now and then.

COW: ...scientists?

Ben: Yes, pesky ones.

COW: What about physicists?

Ben: If they're pesky enough.

COW: What about chemisists?

Ben: I have... no idea what a chemisist is but if it's a scientist-

COW: Anyway, let's get back on topic. *sigh of relief* So, what can we expect from Season 6?

Ben: Well, one thing that I will tell you is that you can expect a lot of twists. Yes, a lot of those.

COW: Anything else?

Ben: ...And turns. Yes, a lot of them. You may even find some twisted turns or corkscrews.

COW: Could we get a little detail? Like an example of one of these twists?

Ben: Psssh who do you think I am, Hurley? I don't spill the beans when I've got a whole can to myself.

COW: Are you going to die in this final season?

Ben: Well I certainly hope not! I came close enough in my childhood, wouldn't you think? I was just taking him a sandwich! He must have wanted egg salad...

COW: I'd like an egg salad sandwich... *pouts*

Ben: I can get you some 20 year-old crackers if you want.

COW: Er, no thanks. So Benny-

Ben: Never call me that again.

COW: Or what?

Ben: Or I'll enact my secret plan.

COW: What secret plan?

Ben: I always have a plan... And if I told you it wouldn't be a secret!

COW: Fine then. Anyway, will we find out what the island is in the final season?

Ben: I don't know, ask someone else.

COW: Well, Locke didn't tell my anything of interest when I tried to interview him so I thought I'd ask you!

Ben: Just go back on your little hot air balloon and get off my island.

COW:  WHY CAN I NEVER GET PEOPLE TO TELL ME ANYTHING!?!

Ben: You, sir, are ridonkulous!

COW: THAT'S MY LINE!

Ben: Good day!

 My team and I traveled to the island again in an attempt to interview Radzinsky without getting shot at. However, something much more interesting than Horace blowing up a random tree or Ben flushing Smokie's toilet happened; we saw the smoke monster in person!

During an attack by the Hostiles, two Dharma soldiers were attacked by ol' Smokie while attempting to leap over several flower boxes.

Smokie had this to say about the attack.

COW: What were you doing in Dharmaville? You know you aren't allowed past the sonic fence!

Smokie: ch-ch-ch... ch-ch-ch-chhhhhhhhhh. HWOOOOO!!!! HWOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

COW: Sorry, you'll leave to speak up a bit.

Instead of answering us, the black cloud flew off into the distance, likely to its home under the Temple. We then questioned Dharma leader, Horace, about the incident.

COW: What do you have to say about the incident?

Horace: Well, the incident was caused by those weird people from the future blowing up a bomb and-

COW: No not that incident, the Smokie incident.

Horace: Oh, that one. Well, I have to say that I really don't want to talk about it.

COW: Would you do it for a Klondike bar?

Horace: A what?

COW: (Oh, right, those don't exist yet.) Nevermind.

Horace: You ain't makin' no sense, pardner. Why don't we go dance to some disco?

The interview was going very poorly, so we just decided to give up. Our final victim was Roger Linus, a Dharma janitor who claimed that he saw the whole routine.

COW: So, Mr. Linus, did you see anything interesting?

Roger: Well, I, uh, saw a big cloud of black smoke! And then it went BOOM and BAM and ch-ch-ch-CH-CH-CH CHHHHHHHHHH HWOOOOOO!!! HWOOOOOOOOO!!

COW: You ,sir, are ridonkulous. Good day!

I recently traveled to the island with my crew to get this interview out of Locke on what we can expect from Season 6. After playing (and losing) to him in 20 games of backgammon, we finally got him to spill the beans... a little.

COW (Chemisist's Outrageous Website): So, Sir Mr. Locke, whose eye was shown on the Season 6 preview?

Locke: It was the eye... of the island.

COW: I didn't know the island had an eye.

Locke: What you don't know can't hurt you.

COW: You're going to tell the mobs of LOST fans that they can't get any spoilers because it will hurt them?

Locke: Spoilers are always past their expiration dates.

COW: Let's move on, then. What is the black smoke?

Locke: Where there is smoke, there is fire.

COW: Not in this case, Sir Mr. Locke sir. Why is it that your typewriter makes the same sounds as Smokie?

Locke: Knock knock.

COW: ...who's there?

Locke: Just kill you.

COW: Just kill you who?

Locke: Knock knock.

COW: Who's there?

Locke: Orange.

COW: ...orange who?

Locke: Orange you glad I didn't just kill you? HAHAHA! Funnies!

COW: You, sir, are ridonkulous. Good day!